Everything has changed

I feel the need to write again. Everything in my life is now quite different than it ever has been, due to my incessant need to create chaotic change in order to make my life better.

My daughter is now four. She is an amazingly profound little girl who nonchalantly makes statements like, “Daddy, vaginas are bad,” and “God is dead.” Yes, that’s right, she said it on her own.

I decided to go back to school and now I am questioning whether or not I went back with the right goal in mind. As a parent, do I have the right to seek a career based purely on the attainment of more knowledge? Am I doing the right thing? This has really been eating me up inside. Is it my lot in life to live a little bit less happily so that my daughter can have everything she needs? I feel that I have been incredibly selfish. I need to concentrate on getting excellent grades this semester and then reevaluate what I should do. Maybe getting my Ph.D in Anthropology is not what I am meant to do. Maybe I should be a Lab Technician in some hospital making $50,000 a year, and give my daughter a good life sooner than later. I could do that in 2 years, instead of the 7 or 8 years it will take me to get my doctorate. I am not a good writer. Why should I work toward something that requires me to have a talent that I do not have?

I feel lost, alone, and utterly sad. Yet I do not believe that I am insane as I was last year. I am just living the consequences of those actions.